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My Grandma’s naughty email. And my Dad’s boyfriend schedule update.

17 Jan

My Grandma's naughty email. And my Dad's boyfriend schedule update.

I’ve opened my inbox to find an email from my Grandma with the subject title of “Naughty”. I’ve not yet opened it. I’m too scared that I’m going to find some sort of sex video, dildo order confirmation or S&M magazine subscription that has been accidentally forwarded on to me due to those 85 year old eyes failing her.

What is just as worrying is that above said email, there is another one from my father, with the subject line of “Boyfriend schedule update”. Now, I know time is a-ticking and I’m not getting any younger, and God only knows the extent to which I’ve put myself out there for some unsuspecting member of the male species to ask me to MARRY HIM, desperately so at times.

But I was completely unware that Daddy had some sort of schedule to which I was to stick to, in luring these poor men to fulfil the position of “Boyfriend”. Maybe he’s toying with the notion that, having never had a boyfriend before, his daughter may in fact be a lesbian. (I’m not.)

Unless, of course, the email is actually a long over-due admittance from my father, that he himself is gay, and has decided to find himself a boyfriend? Something that comes along with a mandatory periodical update?

I’m not sure which is worse; It’s all swings and roundabouts I guess. (Urgh, image of grandma on sex swing/ S&M carousel.)

So, the question now is, do I open these emails and confront the kinky Old Aged Pensioner and watch-tapping, possibly gay father?

I may just fail to acknowledge having even received these messages, and just forward them both my daily Penis Enlargement special offers instead. That, or the link to my online sex tape. Awkward much?

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“Do u still want me to send u a pic of it?” Errr, who are you?

29 Nov

So the other day, I had the absolute displeasure of receiving this text message from some unknown fucktard called “Phil”.

Phil is a pushy bastard – after receiving no reply from me, he sent me another message asking “Wud u like it hard or soft?” before sending me yet another message, telling me (note, not asking me) to send a picture of myself.

Phil – whoever the hell you are – FUCK OFF.

Would it be completely wrong to send him a picture of a Blue Waffle? (Not my own of course. Mine’s pretty, and not at all blue or waffley.)

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